Russia attacks Alaska; 4 Seabirds Die

Putin Rears His Head
Fierce fighting broke out today along the long disputed and heavily fortified Siberian/Alaskan border disrupting dozens of nesting seabirds and killing 4 of them. One Artic fox was reported injured.

Russian Prime Minister Valdamir Putin justified the attack warning that the U.S. must stop interfering in Georgia or “I will annex their guano covered rocks one by one,” a threat the US State department says we must take very seriously.

“It was awful,” reported one resident of Attu, a tiny island at the westernmost tip of the Aleutian chain, “Putin’s giant head just reared up and loomed over us! Praise Jesus that Governor Palin was locked and loaded and ready to rock and roll!”

Alaska Governor Sara Palin has long warned that Russia planned to invade the US via Alaska but everyone just called her an air-head. “Now 4 American seabirds are dead,” Palin lamented, “And I was planning on shooting those birds myself!”

McCain Puts Palin in Bubble

The McCain campaign announced today that it is putting Sara Palin inside a giant plastic bubble until after the November election. “Since reporters refuse to show proper deference to Governor Palin and continue to hound her with sexist personal attacks in the form of questions about her qualifications to be vice-president, we have no choice,” said McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds.

Bounds concedes that the soundproof bubble is an extreme solutuion, “but this is an extreme problem. The liberal media is bent on trapping Palin into saying something ignorant and so far every time she opens her mouth they have not been disappointed!” Bounds reassured the press that the see-through bubble will still make for great photo-ops. “She will continue to attend campaign rallies and even meet with world leaders. It will just be impossible to hear anything she says and, let’s face it, that is something both Democrats and Republicans can support.”

Sara Palin could not be reached for comment.

Paulson/Bernake Bailout May be Scam

Today all taxpayers in the United States received a request from the Treasury Department which many are calling “a scam”. If you receive the following email (subject line “We Will Fix This Mess”) delete it immediately and Do Not Forward!

Dear Taxpayer,
We are top officials of the Federal Government who are interested in secure of many valuable mortgage backed securities which are presently being trapped in Nigeria.

By virtue of not having any funds top US banks cannot take advantage of these very excellent deals therefore we solicit your assistance in enable us transfer into your account many trillion dollar of high rated securities but first we need 10% or US$700,000,000,000(700 billion dollars) to be used in settle of taxation, bribes, fees, expenses, handling, postage, staples and etc.

Please note that this is 100% safe with no risk! But you must hurry right now to get transfer to us this 10% fees. You have seven (7) days only or all your banks accounts, 401K and etc. will not be worth even as much as small piece toilet paper. Please forward account information/ social security number/ birth date and mother’s maiden name to:

Department of the Treasury
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue
NW Washington, D.C. 20220

Yours Faithfully,
Henry Paulson Okon
Ben Bernake Makombo