Large Americans Crowd Mall

WASHINGTON - Barak Obama’s inauguration as the 44th President of the United States was celebrated in true American fashion as large crowds of enormous people descended on Washignton from all over the country. Foreign reporters were awed by the spectacle. “There were Americans here of every race, creed and color but the one thing they had in common was that they were huge!” said popular French daily Le Parisien. “The sheer size of the people…it is truly unprecedented,” observed the Times of India. And the largest newspaper in Kenya, The Standard reported “They are massive, absolutely massive.”

But far fewer Americans than anticipated actually filled up the Mall. The crowd had been predicted to reach as many as 5 million but actual attendance was closer to 2 million. “We just couldn’t fit any more of them in,” said Linda Douglass, spokesperson for the inaugural team, “I mean maybe if they had been French, we wouldn’t have had to turn so many away.” As it was those who attended the swearing-in stood in line for hours with nothing to keep away the cold but plus size parkas and their God given insulation.

Fare-Fucking-Well

Whitehouse Door Hits Bush in the Ass

WASHINGTON – President Bush said his final dumb-ass words to the Nation today in preparation for the long anticipated end of the waking nightmare that has been his Presidency.

“We have made a historic journey together and shared many trying times over the last eight years but there is one thing I want to say about my fellow Americans: What a bunch of ungrateful whiners! Not just you but the rest of the world is a bunch of belly-achers too like in Iraq, French-land and New Orleans. You never saw me whining “Waaah… why did we get into so many wars on my watch…Boo hoo… why did the Economy tank on my watch,’ No. When anything went wrong, I always decisionated, ‘cause I’m the decider. But all I ever heard was complain, complain, complain. I told the American people a thousand times ‘you gotta understand’ but you never did. So screw you.”

For once the American people were in complete agreement with the President and responded in kind. http://www.fingersalutetobush.org/

Bush Disappointed, Poor Guy

WASHINGTON – In his Last Press Conference Ever, President Bush admitted to reporters that “not having weapons of mass destruction [in Iraq] was a significant disappointment.” “I mean,” he continued, “I was really looking forward to finding those weapons. Like when you think there’s ice cream in the freezer but when you look in there you find you were wrong and you get disappointed, in other words, you feel disappointment. So Yeah, it was like the CIA said to me ‘hey, there’s Rocky Road in Iraq’ and then you get there and there’s nothing but sand…and disappointment.”

The President went on to say that he was disappointed to find that Sunnis and Shiites don’t get along, disappointed that Americans don’t like to be spied on, disappointed that bankers and stockbrokers are greedy and disappointed that New Orleans is below sea level.

Bush’s only comfort was that he was sure that in Obama’s Presidency “there will be disappointments, I promise you. In other word, he'll be disappointed. And at least I can feel good about that.”

Bush finished his last words to the press in his own inimitable way saying, “The job is so exciting and so profound that the disappointments will be clearly…..uh…….mmm….. you know....”

Cheney to Return to Crypt

WASHINGTON – Sources close to Dick Cheney say the Vice President is spending his last week in office preparing for his return to the crypt. Aides are working around the clock hurling official documents into a fissure that has conveniently appeared in the vice-presidential office and opens into the fiery depths of hell. Sources say Cheney plans to leave Washington in the dark of night on January 19 and entomb himself at an undisclosed location where he will subsist on infant blood and raw hatred for the next one hundred years, at which time he will emerge to walk the earth again in human form just in time for the 2108 presidential election.

Congressional Democrats have declined to use their one last opportunity to free future generations from the scourge of the living corpse with a silver bullet to the heart saying that it will only distract from moving the country forward at this critical time. For his part, Cheney has refused to comment to the press on his plans to rejoin the undead saying only “Go fuck yourselves.”

Feinstein: Panetta Lacks Torture Experience

WASHINGTON - Senate Intelligence Committee chair, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.), has publicly denounced Barak Obama’s selection of Leon Panetta to serve as Head of the CIA citing Panetta’s lack of experience in torture, rendition and illegal wiretapping. “Frankly I was deeply disappointed. With so many qualified candidates from the dark side, candidates who for years have been doing dirty deeds mostly out of view of the public, there was absolutely no need to settle for a high minded proponent of the ‘Rule of Law’. Give me a break! Had I been consulted, which I most certainly WAS NOT, I could have told him that my position has consistently been that I believe the Agency is best-served by having an intelligence professional who can kick some ass, bust some heads and is not afraid to get his hands dirty."

Feinstein, says she is sensitive to critics who charge that for 8 years she has been a compliant ally to the Whitehouse, “But I am putting all that behind me now. I realize that it is my job as Senator to provide strict oversight to the executive branch now that it is the administration of a fellow Democrat that I will be sabotaging.”

Israel Urges Gazans to Stop Being Human Shields

Also Stop Eating and Needing Medical Care

GAZA – In a move sure to reduce civilian casualties, Israeli officials called on Gazans to “stop agreeing to act as human shields for Hamas militants.” Gazan residents like Ali Kamal, who initially signed up himself, his pregnant wife, grandmother and two toddlers to serve as human shields are reconsidering their options. “What the Israeli are saying make much sense. I at first agree for my family to be human shield but now I think I am not agree to that anymore.”

Ehud Olmert has gone on record saying "You - the citizens of Gaza - are not our enemies. Hamas is our enemy." In response Gaza City resident Abu Al-Awadhi says he “will immediately move my family to a part of Gaza with no Hamas,” though he wasn’t sure quite where that might be. Ali Radwan went one step further and tried to flee with his family into Egypt but was turned back by Israeli gunfire. “I can see why the Israelis do not want that I leave Gaza and I can also see if I get hit by rocket in Gaza it is just my own fault.”

Gaza residents are also coming out in support of the blockade of all humanitarian aid. Miriam El-Haddad, mother of three who was sheltering under an overpass in Jabaliya after her apartment building was destoyed, told reporters through an interpreter that “going without food, water and medical care for my children is the least I can do for the people of Israel while they get this thing with Hamas worked out.”

As rockets fell and the ground invasion got underway, military spokesperson Maj, Avital Leibovich reassured the citizens of Gaza saying, “We have no intention of harming civilians.” Mohammad Idris, speaking from a makeshift morgue said this was a great comfort to him. “When you lose your entire family in an air strike it really softens the blow to know it was just a mistake.”

Santa asks for Bailout

Arrives in private miniature sleigh, 8 tiny reindeer

WASHINGTON – Santa Claus appeared in front of Congress Monday to ask for a bailout of Christmas which some experts say may not be able to survive until December 25.

The Jolly Old Elf is requesting a rescue package of 1 million midnight snacks in order to stay in operation through the Christmas season. He explained, “Giving away toys is a very low margin enterprise and in an economic downturn we are expecting much less milk and far fewer cookies than in any time in our 200+ years of operation.”

But Senate Republicans are balking at stepping in to rescue the venerable institution. “I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself. I mean here’s a guy, dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, whose belly shakes, when he laughs, like a bowl full of jelly and he’s asking the American taxpayer for more milk and cookies?” commented Senator Mitch McConnell.

President Bushed urged lawmakers to pass a rescue package lamenting “I screwed up just about everything in the last 8 years, and I don’t wanna git the demisation of Christmas on my watch too.”

But when it became clear that Senate Republicans would not part with even one cookie for what Senator McConnell referred to as a “socialist toy redistribution network,” Senate majority leader Harry Reid told reporters “This is going to be a very, very bad Christmas for a lot of people as a result of what takes place here tonight.”

As Santa left the chamber his eyes were not twinkling nor were his dimples merry, but some heard him exclaim sadly as he drove out of sight, “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!”