Rich People Placed on Endangered Species List

It took the plucky and intrepid congresswoman from Minnesota, Michele Bachman, to get the nation to finally pay attention to the alarming decline in what is, to many like her, a beloved American demographic. “We are running out of rich people,” the plainspoken insane right-wing freak alerted the country this week, “The top 1% of wage earners currently make up only 1% of the population, and while that number is holding there no reason to believe that this will continue to be the case.” Her comments quickly motivated an emergency listing of rich people as an endangered species.

The listing makes unlawful any action the will directly or indirectly impact the survival of rich people such as taxation, prosecution of white collar crime, decreases in the flow of government bailout money or any reduction in the availability of a cheap and tractable servant class.

Santa Barbara and Martha’s Vineyard have been suggested as possible preserve sites for the rich which would likely lead to relocation of other demographics out of these areas, particularly the very-well-off who compete with endangered rich people for resources.

“Some people question why we need to save this demographic.” Congresswoman Bachman said in an emotional appeal on behalf of the beleaguered rich, “They say ‘aren’t they just useless parasites who contribute nothing to the economy and use up an obscene amount of resources? What are they good for?’ Well I think that is just sad and I have to think if these people just had a chance to take a stroll on Rodeo Drive and see the rich in their natural environment, to really see them in all their majesty, not just watching the Academy awards on TV, I think they would feel inspired to save them just as I am."

Clinton: Obama Should Visit Darfur, Congo

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told reporters today that she is encouraging President Obama to make a state visit to some of the world’s hot spots as soon as possible. Clinton is proposing an itinerary that includes Darfur, Congo, Gaza and Waziristan. “The President needs to shine a beacon of hope on the most lawless and violent spots in the world and I think the only way to do this is for him to go there personally. I am encouraging him to make this trip immediately and I strongly recommend that he be accompanied by Joe Biden, and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.” When questioned as to whether such a trip might be too dangerous, Clinton responded “Exactly.”

Senator Robert Byrd, who is President pro tempore of the Senate, disagreed strongly with the Clinton. “To send Obama, Biden, and Pelosi on a dangerous mission…that would leave me first in line to the Presidency…I’m old and, well, the shock to my system if that were to take place…I mean I nearly keeled over at the inaugural lunch when Teddy had his spell…I think it would do me in. And that would mean the Secretary of State would need to assume the Presidency and I’m sure Mrs. Clinton wouldn’t want that.”

Obama Admits He is Muslim

WASHINGTON – Ushering in a new era of openness and transparency in the Whitehouse, Obama announced today that he was coming clean to the nation about his Muslim faith. “I am Muslim.” He said simply, laying to rest almost two years of speculation by insane right-wing freaks. “I am also a Communist,” the President added. “Oh, and a Nazi too.”

The President wasted no time issuing an executive order requiring all Americans to pray 5 times a day to Zoroaster while standing inside a flaming pentagram. The President also signed orders making available abortion on demand, even to people who are not pregnant, and requiring public schools to indoctrinate children into the homosexual lifestyle. “Because I am also gay,” he admitted.

The President also announced that “My first legislative priority is a bill that gives white Christian babies to Jews so they can drink their blood at Passover because I am also a Jew and a baby killer.”

“This is truly a historic day,” Obama told reporters, “I have now become the first Black Arab Muslim Nazi Communist Gay Baby-Killing Jew ever elected to the highest office in the land.”

In other news, Obama admitted that he actually hates puppies and instead has acquired this adorable cat as the new Whitehouse pet.

Author's Note: Trickstermom apologies for encouraging you too click on the links in this article. There are some rocks on the internet that it is better not to turn over. But the cat is cute. For more, check out http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/

First Black President All-White on Dance Floor

WASHINGTON – President Barak Obama looked elegant in his tuxedo and First Lady Michelle unmistakably lovely, even in a dress that looked like it was borrowed from Sasha’s Lemon Meringue Pie Barbie, but when the couple took to the dance floor one thing was clear: for all his many talents and abilities, the President cannot dance.

“Oh my,” commented Aretha Franklin, Queen of Soul, who appeared at the inauguration in a startling hat, “I love that man, but the brother does not have the moves.”

Even Michelle struggled between trying to keep her toes well away from her husband’s feet and negotiating with her uncooperative ball gown, constructed by designer Jason Wu from his Grandmother’s chenille bedspread and approximately 20 yards of bubble wrap.

The President’s less than inspiring performance on the dance floor, however, proved reassuring to some Americans including Vice-President Joe Biden who commented, “If anyone doubted his white heritage before, those doubts have now been put to rest.”

Roberts Flubs Oath

WASHINGTON - In what some are calling a blatant attempt to interfere with the orderly succession of power, Chief Justice John Roberts diverged from the traditional text as he administered the presidential oath.

“Do you, Barak Hussein Obama,
solemnly swear, to chew goo, too, sir?
If, sir, you, sir,
choose to chew, sir,
with the Goo-Goose, chew, sir.
Do, sir.”

But Obama, himself a constitutional scholar, easily caught this anomaly and averted disaster when he forcefully responded to Roberts:

“Mr. Chief Justice,
I won't do it.
I can't say.
I won't chew it.”

Though some are accusing the Chief Justice of deliberately trying to sabotage the presidency of a man who did not vote to confirm his appointment to the Supreme Court, Roberts maintains his tongue isn’t quick or slick, sir, and that it was a mistake anyone could have made.

Meanwhile pundits on the right are using the garbling of the oath as an excuse to question Obama’s legitimacy as President. Bill O’Reilly opined “If Barak HUSSEIN Obama, won’t swear to chew goo with the Goo-Goose, does that mean he will refuse to do tricks with Chicks and Clocks? Will he fail to put Fox in Socks on Knox in Box?”

Large Americans Crowd Mall

WASHINGTON - Barak Obama’s inauguration as the 44th President of the United States was celebrated in true American fashion as large crowds of enormous people descended on Washignton from all over the country. Foreign reporters were awed by the spectacle. “There were Americans here of every race, creed and color but the one thing they had in common was that they were huge!” said popular French daily Le Parisien. “The sheer size of the people…it is truly unprecedented,” observed the Times of India. And the largest newspaper in Kenya, The Standard reported “They are massive, absolutely massive.”

But far fewer Americans than anticipated actually filled up the Mall. The crowd had been predicted to reach as many as 5 million but actual attendance was closer to 2 million. “We just couldn’t fit any more of them in,” said Linda Douglass, spokesperson for the inaugural team, “I mean maybe if they had been French, we wouldn’t have had to turn so many away.” As it was those who attended the swearing-in stood in line for hours with nothing to keep away the cold but plus size parkas and their God given insulation.

Fare-Fucking-Well

Whitehouse Door Hits Bush in the Ass

WASHINGTON – President Bush said his final dumb-ass words to the Nation today in preparation for the long anticipated end of the waking nightmare that has been his Presidency.

“We have made a historic journey together and shared many trying times over the last eight years but there is one thing I want to say about my fellow Americans: What a bunch of ungrateful whiners! Not just you but the rest of the world is a bunch of belly-achers too like in Iraq, French-land and New Orleans. You never saw me whining “Waaah… why did we get into so many wars on my watch…Boo hoo… why did the Economy tank on my watch,’ No. When anything went wrong, I always decisionated, ‘cause I’m the decider. But all I ever heard was complain, complain, complain. I told the American people a thousand times ‘you gotta understand’ but you never did. So screw you.”

For once the American people were in complete agreement with the President and responded in kind. http://www.fingersalutetobush.org/

Bush Disappointed, Poor Guy

WASHINGTON – In his Last Press Conference Ever, President Bush admitted to reporters that “not having weapons of mass destruction [in Iraq] was a significant disappointment.” “I mean,” he continued, “I was really looking forward to finding those weapons. Like when you think there’s ice cream in the freezer but when you look in there you find you were wrong and you get disappointed, in other words, you feel disappointment. So Yeah, it was like the CIA said to me ‘hey, there’s Rocky Road in Iraq’ and then you get there and there’s nothing but sand…and disappointment.”

The President went on to say that he was disappointed to find that Sunnis and Shiites don’t get along, disappointed that Americans don’t like to be spied on, disappointed that bankers and stockbrokers are greedy and disappointed that New Orleans is below sea level.

Bush’s only comfort was that he was sure that in Obama’s Presidency “there will be disappointments, I promise you. In other word, he'll be disappointed. And at least I can feel good about that.”

Bush finished his last words to the press in his own inimitable way saying, “The job is so exciting and so profound that the disappointments will be clearly…..uh…….mmm….. you know....”

Cheney to Return to Crypt

WASHINGTON – Sources close to Dick Cheney say the Vice President is spending his last week in office preparing for his return to the crypt. Aides are working around the clock hurling official documents into a fissure that has conveniently appeared in the vice-presidential office and opens into the fiery depths of hell. Sources say Cheney plans to leave Washington in the dark of night on January 19 and entomb himself at an undisclosed location where he will subsist on infant blood and raw hatred for the next one hundred years, at which time he will emerge to walk the earth again in human form just in time for the 2108 presidential election.

Congressional Democrats have declined to use their one last opportunity to free future generations from the scourge of the living corpse with a silver bullet to the heart saying that it will only distract from moving the country forward at this critical time. For his part, Cheney has refused to comment to the press on his plans to rejoin the undead saying only “Go fuck yourselves.”

Feinstein: Panetta Lacks Torture Experience

WASHINGTON - Senate Intelligence Committee chair, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.), has publicly denounced Barak Obama’s selection of Leon Panetta to serve as Head of the CIA citing Panetta’s lack of experience in torture, rendition and illegal wiretapping. “Frankly I was deeply disappointed. With so many qualified candidates from the dark side, candidates who for years have been doing dirty deeds mostly out of view of the public, there was absolutely no need to settle for a high minded proponent of the ‘Rule of Law’. Give me a break! Had I been consulted, which I most certainly WAS NOT, I could have told him that my position has consistently been that I believe the Agency is best-served by having an intelligence professional who can kick some ass, bust some heads and is not afraid to get his hands dirty."

Feinstein, says she is sensitive to critics who charge that for 8 years she has been a compliant ally to the Whitehouse, “But I am putting all that behind me now. I realize that it is my job as Senator to provide strict oversight to the executive branch now that it is the administration of a fellow Democrat that I will be sabotaging.”

Israel Urges Gazans to Stop Being Human Shields

Also Stop Eating and Needing Medical Care

GAZA – In a move sure to reduce civilian casualties, Israeli officials called on Gazans to “stop agreeing to act as human shields for Hamas militants.” Gazan residents like Ali Kamal, who initially signed up himself, his pregnant wife, grandmother and two toddlers to serve as human shields are reconsidering their options. “What the Israeli are saying make much sense. I at first agree for my family to be human shield but now I think I am not agree to that anymore.”

Ehud Olmert has gone on record saying "You - the citizens of Gaza - are not our enemies. Hamas is our enemy." In response Gaza City resident Abu Al-Awadhi says he “will immediately move my family to a part of Gaza with no Hamas,” though he wasn’t sure quite where that might be. Ali Radwan went one step further and tried to flee with his family into Egypt but was turned back by Israeli gunfire. “I can see why the Israelis do not want that I leave Gaza and I can also see if I get hit by rocket in Gaza it is just my own fault.”

Gaza residents are also coming out in support of the blockade of all humanitarian aid. Miriam El-Haddad, mother of three who was sheltering under an overpass in Jabaliya after her apartment building was destoyed, told reporters through an interpreter that “going without food, water and medical care for my children is the least I can do for the people of Israel while they get this thing with Hamas worked out.”

As rockets fell and the ground invasion got underway, military spokesperson Maj, Avital Leibovich reassured the citizens of Gaza saying, “We have no intention of harming civilians.” Mohammad Idris, speaking from a makeshift morgue said this was a great comfort to him. “When you lose your entire family in an air strike it really softens the blow to know it was just a mistake.”