McCain Proposes Faith-Based Tax Initiative

Joe the Plumber: “I believe my taxes will go down.”











Today John McCain held a press conference to explain how his tax policy that benefits the wealthy will help regular Americans by making them feel better.

McCain told reporters, “Unlike rich people, working class people don't need a real tax cut, just a tax cut they can believe in. In fact, no matter how much a Democrat lowers their taxes, people will never truly believe they're paying less. That is why they are happier with my make-believe tax cut than they ever could be with Obama’s plan to actually lower their taxes."

McCain urged Americans to ignore what “elite economists” have to say about the candidates' tax policies and focus instead on the beliefs of some regular Americans:

Joe the Plumber:
“I believe I am a plumber that could someday buy a plumbing business even though I don’t have a plumber’s license, I don’t have any money saved, my driver’s license is suspended and I owe $1200 in unpaid taxes. I believe John McCain’s tax plan will help me in the face of all evidence to the contrary.”

Bob the Builder:
“I believe that Barak Obama’s gonna raise my taxes and give ‘em to black people.”

Thomas the Tank Engine:
“I believe that someday I will make over $250,000 a year and I don’t care if I pay higher taxes now if I don’t have to then.

Casper the Friendly Ghost:
“I don't believe nobody makes $250,000 a year.”

Bud the Burger-Flipper:
“I believe I may make $250,000 a year. I don’t really know. I ain’t worked here more’n 6 months so far.”

Mickey Mouse Casts His Vote

ORLANDO – Early voting began today in Florida and one of the first in line at a polling place just blocks from Disney World, was cartoon character Mickey Mouse. “I’m thrilled to be here,” the mouse told reporters in his familiar high pitched voice. “I’m 80 years old this year and it’s the first time I’ve been able to vote!”

Election officials are bracing for a record turnout among cartoon characters this year largely due to a massive voter registration effort by the community group ACORN.

Poll worker Idabell Fosworth said that Mickey showing up to vote was not a case of voter fraud. “I looked at the voter roll and there was Mickey Mouse’s name and there’s Mickey Mouse right in front of me and I sure as heck don’t need a picture ID to know it’s him, so I gave him a ballot all fair and square.”

Mickey admitted to reporters that he supports Obama, “most cartoon characters I know do, except Elmer Fudd who tells me he's for 'Sawa Pawin'” When asked who Pluto planned to vote for the mouse looked confused, finally answering, “Pluto can’t vote. Pluto is a dog.”

Cheney Hospitalized When Doctors Detect Vestigial Heart

Vice President Dick Cheney was hospitalized Wednesday after complaining of “a mild sense of remorse.”

According to the Whitehouse physician, Dr. Richard Tubb, Cheney appeared to be suffering from "a spasm of conscience,” though he stressed that it was only in its earliest stages. “The Vice President was briefly haunted by thoughts of dead and wounded Iraqis, Afghanis and U.S. soldiers, the lamentations of their families and the shrieks of those tortured in U.S. custody." Dr. Tubb reported. "Even though the sensation soon passed, as his physician, I found the symptoms alarming given his history of heartlessness.”

Using a non-invasive fiber-optic procedure doctors at George Washington University Hospital were able to scan the vice president’s chest cavity and right next to the blackened shriveled organ they are accustomed to observing they located a small nodule of normal healthy heart tissue. A Hospital spokesperson reported, “Doctors were, of course, stunned to find even the tiniest functioning fragment of a heart in the Vice President’s chest but they were able to excise the growth without complications and we are happy to report that the Vice President is back on the job as a fully functioning sociopath.”

Vice President Cheney reported that he “felt great” before he returned to an undisclosed location to continue plans for war with Iran.

Bush: Uncertainty Leads to Anxiety

“Stop Worriating”

Today President Bush went before the nation to state the obvious: “Uncertainty has lead to anxiety which is feeding anxiety and causing panic.” Bush elaborated saying,” In other words, Americans are insure which causes uncertitude leading to confusination then everybody gets all overwrung and they apprehenserate.”

Bush’s went on to encourage the nation to, “Chill.” He explained,”This nation has faced far more crisis than usual in my years as President: we got blindsided by terrorists, got into an unnecessary war somehow, got caught up in torture for some reason, watched helplessly for weeks while folks drowned in New Orleans and I just want to assure the nation that I will be providing the exact same type of foresight and leadership in the current crisis as I did in all them other ones.”

McCain Campaign Offensive

New T-shirt: “It’s a Hoodie!”

Faced with declining poll numbers, the McCain campaign rolled out a new offensive today they are calling “Obama is an N-word” “Meanin’ Nincompoop, of course!” explained McCain running mate Sara Palin with a wink.

Palin was on the campaign trail with crates of new T-shirts for supporters and new attack rhetoric directed at opponents. “Barak HUSSEIN Obama is a Nincompoop! An N-Word who pals around with terrorists who hate America. ” she called out to a receptive crowd who responded with the chant "N-Word, Baby, N-Word". Palin continued, "I am just so fearful that he’s not like you and me darn it! He’s DIFFERENT! That is why John McCain and I are stickin’ to the issues in this campaign.”

When asked if she was concerned that the new campaign and even the t-shirts might be interpreted as racist Palin responded that “it just goes to show how negative this darn campaign is getting’ that folks on the Democrat side are playin’ the race card. Since when is ‘Nincompoop’ racist? The t-shirt is a hoodie for goodness sake, all the kids wear them.” As for the nooses many in the crowd were waving Palin explained “those just represent how John McCain is lassoin’ freedom and holdin’ onto it tight!”

Palin Opposes Pulling Out

"Stay in until the job is done"
During the Vice-Presidental debate Thursday, Governor Palin emphatically stated her opposition to pulling out. "Once you go in, you gotta' stay in 'til ya git the job done. Withdrawin' early, well it's just not productive. Ya just git the white flag of surrender all over everything." she asserted. "I have always opposed pulling out and anyone who is familiar with me and my family will tell ya I'm committed to that. Track is 18 now and he's goin' in and I told him 'Don't you pull out!' and I know he won't."

Palin went on to say that the Democrats support pulling out. "They wanna go into our schools and tell our kids it's OK to pull out and I just think that sends our kids the wrong message."

Bristol Palin agrees with her mother. "I'm against pulling out too!" she told reporters after the debate.