Santa asks for Bailout

Arrives in private miniature sleigh, 8 tiny reindeer

WASHINGTON – Santa Claus appeared in front of Congress Monday to ask for a bailout of Christmas which some experts say may not be able to survive until December 25.

The Jolly Old Elf is requesting a rescue package of 1 million midnight snacks in order to stay in operation through the Christmas season. He explained, “Giving away toys is a very low margin enterprise and in an economic downturn we are expecting much less milk and far fewer cookies than in any time in our 200+ years of operation.”

But Senate Republicans are balking at stepping in to rescue the venerable institution. “I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself. I mean here’s a guy, dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, whose belly shakes, when he laughs, like a bowl full of jelly and he’s asking the American taxpayer for more milk and cookies?” commented Senator Mitch McConnell.

President Bushed urged lawmakers to pass a rescue package lamenting “I screwed up just about everything in the last 8 years, and I don’t wanna git the demisation of Christmas on my watch too.”

But when it became clear that Senate Republicans would not part with even one cookie for what Senator McConnell referred to as a “socialist toy redistribution network,” Senate majority leader Harry Reid told reporters “This is going to be a very, very bad Christmas for a lot of people as a result of what takes place here tonight.”

As Santa left the chamber his eyes were not twinkling nor were his dimples merry, but some heard him exclaim sadly as he drove out of sight, “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!”

Obama Volunteers Continue to Make Calls, Knock on Doors

“We can’t stop!”

Teams of psychiatrists have been deployed to find Obama volunteers, inform them that the campaign is over, their candidate won and it is OK to go back to normal life now. It is estimated that thousands of volunteers remain at large putting up yard signs, calling voters and canvassing neighborhoods.

Ida May Jackson, 69, was found wandering in an Orlando neighborhood with a clipboard banging on doors around 2 A.M. and had to be sedated after refusing to believe Americans had actually elected an African American President.

Jason Clark, 22, who claimed he not slept, eaten or bathed for at least 48 hours was gently lead away from a field office in Columbus at noon today mumbling, “Just 10 more calls…can’t let up…not one minute…not one second.”

“We have got to get these people to stop,” commented American Psychiatric Association spokeswoman Ona Couch, “they are really starting to piss people off.”

McCain Puts Country First: Votes for Obama

Late today, in move many pundits are calling, "super dooper extra mavricky" John McCain announced he was endorsing Barak Obama for President. " I am going to go to the polls tomorrow and cast my ballot for the man best able to lead our country and it sure as heck isn't me." McCain told reporters.

Pundit Bill O'Reilly had harsh words for McCain after the endorsement calling him part of the "lunatic left fringe", and encouraged his listeners to vote for McCain "regardless of who that hippy freak is voting for himself."

Sean Hannity opined that McCain had "come completely unhinged" but stressed that McCain was still more qualified than Obama whatever McCain may think.

McCain went on to say, "Let's face it, I'm old, my ideas are old fashion, Sara Palin is a whack job and I was just endorsed by Dick Cheney! Can we do better than that? My friends, Yes We Can!"

McCain Proposes Faith-Based Tax Initiative

Joe the Plumber: “I believe my taxes will go down.”











Today John McCain held a press conference to explain how his tax policy that benefits the wealthy will help regular Americans by making them feel better.

McCain told reporters, “Unlike rich people, working class people don't need a real tax cut, just a tax cut they can believe in. In fact, no matter how much a Democrat lowers their taxes, people will never truly believe they're paying less. That is why they are happier with my make-believe tax cut than they ever could be with Obama’s plan to actually lower their taxes."

McCain urged Americans to ignore what “elite economists” have to say about the candidates' tax policies and focus instead on the beliefs of some regular Americans:

Joe the Plumber:
“I believe I am a plumber that could someday buy a plumbing business even though I don’t have a plumber’s license, I don’t have any money saved, my driver’s license is suspended and I owe $1200 in unpaid taxes. I believe John McCain’s tax plan will help me in the face of all evidence to the contrary.”

Bob the Builder:
“I believe that Barak Obama’s gonna raise my taxes and give ‘em to black people.”

Thomas the Tank Engine:
“I believe that someday I will make over $250,000 a year and I don’t care if I pay higher taxes now if I don’t have to then.

Casper the Friendly Ghost:
“I don't believe nobody makes $250,000 a year.”

Bud the Burger-Flipper:
“I believe I may make $250,000 a year. I don’t really know. I ain’t worked here more’n 6 months so far.”

Mickey Mouse Casts His Vote

ORLANDO – Early voting began today in Florida and one of the first in line at a polling place just blocks from Disney World, was cartoon character Mickey Mouse. “I’m thrilled to be here,” the mouse told reporters in his familiar high pitched voice. “I’m 80 years old this year and it’s the first time I’ve been able to vote!”

Election officials are bracing for a record turnout among cartoon characters this year largely due to a massive voter registration effort by the community group ACORN.

Poll worker Idabell Fosworth said that Mickey showing up to vote was not a case of voter fraud. “I looked at the voter roll and there was Mickey Mouse’s name and there’s Mickey Mouse right in front of me and I sure as heck don’t need a picture ID to know it’s him, so I gave him a ballot all fair and square.”

Mickey admitted to reporters that he supports Obama, “most cartoon characters I know do, except Elmer Fudd who tells me he's for 'Sawa Pawin'” When asked who Pluto planned to vote for the mouse looked confused, finally answering, “Pluto can’t vote. Pluto is a dog.”

Cheney Hospitalized When Doctors Detect Vestigial Heart

Vice President Dick Cheney was hospitalized Wednesday after complaining of “a mild sense of remorse.”

According to the Whitehouse physician, Dr. Richard Tubb, Cheney appeared to be suffering from "a spasm of conscience,” though he stressed that it was only in its earliest stages. “The Vice President was briefly haunted by thoughts of dead and wounded Iraqis, Afghanis and U.S. soldiers, the lamentations of their families and the shrieks of those tortured in U.S. custody." Dr. Tubb reported. "Even though the sensation soon passed, as his physician, I found the symptoms alarming given his history of heartlessness.”

Using a non-invasive fiber-optic procedure doctors at George Washington University Hospital were able to scan the vice president’s chest cavity and right next to the blackened shriveled organ they are accustomed to observing they located a small nodule of normal healthy heart tissue. A Hospital spokesperson reported, “Doctors were, of course, stunned to find even the tiniest functioning fragment of a heart in the Vice President’s chest but they were able to excise the growth without complications and we are happy to report that the Vice President is back on the job as a fully functioning sociopath.”

Vice President Cheney reported that he “felt great” before he returned to an undisclosed location to continue plans for war with Iran.

Bush: Uncertainty Leads to Anxiety

“Stop Worriating”

Today President Bush went before the nation to state the obvious: “Uncertainty has lead to anxiety which is feeding anxiety and causing panic.” Bush elaborated saying,” In other words, Americans are insure which causes uncertitude leading to confusination then everybody gets all overwrung and they apprehenserate.”

Bush’s went on to encourage the nation to, “Chill.” He explained,”This nation has faced far more crisis than usual in my years as President: we got blindsided by terrorists, got into an unnecessary war somehow, got caught up in torture for some reason, watched helplessly for weeks while folks drowned in New Orleans and I just want to assure the nation that I will be providing the exact same type of foresight and leadership in the current crisis as I did in all them other ones.”

McCain Campaign Offensive

New T-shirt: “It’s a Hoodie!”

Faced with declining poll numbers, the McCain campaign rolled out a new offensive today they are calling “Obama is an N-word” “Meanin’ Nincompoop, of course!” explained McCain running mate Sara Palin with a wink.

Palin was on the campaign trail with crates of new T-shirts for supporters and new attack rhetoric directed at opponents. “Barak HUSSEIN Obama is a Nincompoop! An N-Word who pals around with terrorists who hate America. ” she called out to a receptive crowd who responded with the chant "N-Word, Baby, N-Word". Palin continued, "I am just so fearful that he’s not like you and me darn it! He’s DIFFERENT! That is why John McCain and I are stickin’ to the issues in this campaign.”

When asked if she was concerned that the new campaign and even the t-shirts might be interpreted as racist Palin responded that “it just goes to show how negative this darn campaign is getting’ that folks on the Democrat side are playin’ the race card. Since when is ‘Nincompoop’ racist? The t-shirt is a hoodie for goodness sake, all the kids wear them.” As for the nooses many in the crowd were waving Palin explained “those just represent how John McCain is lassoin’ freedom and holdin’ onto it tight!”

Palin Opposes Pulling Out

"Stay in until the job is done"
During the Vice-Presidental debate Thursday, Governor Palin emphatically stated her opposition to pulling out. "Once you go in, you gotta' stay in 'til ya git the job done. Withdrawin' early, well it's just not productive. Ya just git the white flag of surrender all over everything." she asserted. "I have always opposed pulling out and anyone who is familiar with me and my family will tell ya I'm committed to that. Track is 18 now and he's goin' in and I told him 'Don't you pull out!' and I know he won't."

Palin went on to say that the Democrats support pulling out. "They wanna go into our schools and tell our kids it's OK to pull out and I just think that sends our kids the wrong message."

Bristol Palin agrees with her mother. "I'm against pulling out too!" she told reporters after the debate.

Russia attacks Alaska; 4 Seabirds Die

Putin Rears His Head
Fierce fighting broke out today along the long disputed and heavily fortified Siberian/Alaskan border disrupting dozens of nesting seabirds and killing 4 of them. One Artic fox was reported injured.

Russian Prime Minister Valdamir Putin justified the attack warning that the U.S. must stop interfering in Georgia or “I will annex their guano covered rocks one by one,” a threat the US State department says we must take very seriously.

“It was awful,” reported one resident of Attu, a tiny island at the westernmost tip of the Aleutian chain, “Putin’s giant head just reared up and loomed over us! Praise Jesus that Governor Palin was locked and loaded and ready to rock and roll!”

Alaska Governor Sara Palin has long warned that Russia planned to invade the US via Alaska but everyone just called her an air-head. “Now 4 American seabirds are dead,” Palin lamented, “And I was planning on shooting those birds myself!”

McCain Puts Palin in Bubble

The McCain campaign announced today that it is putting Sara Palin inside a giant plastic bubble until after the November election. “Since reporters refuse to show proper deference to Governor Palin and continue to hound her with sexist personal attacks in the form of questions about her qualifications to be vice-president, we have no choice,” said McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds.

Bounds concedes that the soundproof bubble is an extreme solutuion, “but this is an extreme problem. The liberal media is bent on trapping Palin into saying something ignorant and so far every time she opens her mouth they have not been disappointed!” Bounds reassured the press that the see-through bubble will still make for great photo-ops. “She will continue to attend campaign rallies and even meet with world leaders. It will just be impossible to hear anything she says and, let’s face it, that is something both Democrats and Republicans can support.”

Sara Palin could not be reached for comment.

Paulson/Bernake Bailout May be Scam

Today all taxpayers in the United States received a request from the Treasury Department which many are calling “a scam”. If you receive the following email (subject line “We Will Fix This Mess”) delete it immediately and Do Not Forward!

Dear Taxpayer,
We are top officials of the Federal Government who are interested in secure of many valuable mortgage backed securities which are presently being trapped in Nigeria.

By virtue of not having any funds top US banks cannot take advantage of these very excellent deals therefore we solicit your assistance in enable us transfer into your account many trillion dollar of high rated securities but first we need 10% or US$700,000,000,000(700 billion dollars) to be used in settle of taxation, bribes, fees, expenses, handling, postage, staples and etc.

Please note that this is 100% safe with no risk! But you must hurry right now to get transfer to us this 10% fees. You have seven (7) days only or all your banks accounts, 401K and etc. will not be worth even as much as small piece toilet paper. Please forward account information/ social security number/ birth date and mother’s maiden name to:

Department of the Treasury
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue
NW Washington, D.C. 20220

Yours Faithfully,
Henry Paulson Okon
Ben Bernake Makombo

Pervs Protect Marriage

The Republican Party put its best foot forward to defend marriage this week when Senators David “Call Girl” Vitter and Larry “Wide Stance” Craig came out as co-sponsors and primary spokesperverts for the “Marriage Protection Amendement”.

A joint statement released Friday by Vitter and Craig stated:
“Republicans believe that marriage should be between one man and one woman while sex should be between one man in diapers and one prostitute, or one man in a public bathroom stall and one other man in the adjoining stall or occasionally two.”

“People should never have sex outside of marriage unless they are ashamed of it.” Craig and Vitter went on to say.

The Mormon Church has also come out in support of the amendment stating “The Constitution should be amended to only allow marriage between one man and one woman. Marriage between one middle aged man and five 13-year old girls one of whom is the one man's niece is an issue of religious freedom already covered by the first amendment.”

Barak Obama Taps Dalai Lama

In a move sure to solidify his anti-war base while at the same time providing fodder for his critics, Barak Obama selected His Holiness the Dalai Lama as his vice-presidential running mate.

The decision surprised many who expected Obama to pick a strong pro-military candidate to shore up his tough-guy image especially in light of McCain’s recent well-received campaign promise to rip open the chests of our enemies and eat their still-beating hearts.

Pundit Sean Hannity believes Obama’s choice can only help McCain. “Obama has picked a gay cross-dressing commie peace-nik Buddhist Islamo-facist terrorist as a running mate and I think the American people will have something to say about that.”

“Yes, the Dalai Lama has his negatives,” admitted Obama advisor David Axelrod, “there is the whole man-of-peace saffron robe thing not to mention those glasses. But we feel that this will be offset by the strong ‘brand appeal’ of an Obama/Lama ticket.

Axelrod went on to announce that a group of grassroot supporters, the Obama/Lama Mamas, are launching an informational campaign to help familiarize voters with the new ticket. “We’ll be meeting neighbors door-to-door,” said Obama/Lama Mama Emma Amarra, “We’re calling it ‘Obamalama Ding Dong’.”

Gays Marry; Sky Falls

CALIFORNIA -- On the first day that same sex marriage became legal in California, what promised to be a summer of fabulous weddings was disrupted when the sky abruptly fell.

Newlyweds Bradley and Stephen who were one of the first couples to marry under the new law were startled by the catastrophe. “Something was falling on my head and I thought it was the floral wedding arch which was, by the way, very tasteful,” commented Bradley. “But then, Oh my Goodnes! Ouch!” added Stephen.

Bradley and Stephen, it turns out, were lucky. From around the State there were reports of lakes of fire, sulphorous fumes, fissures opening up in the earth and swallowing the damned and at least one plague of locusts. “It was literally of Biblical proportions” according to the Governor who declared a state of emergency.

“Yea, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.” Stephen pointed out. “Which was unfortunate because it was right at the point in the ceremony when the singer was supposed to do “Evergreen.”

“There are simply not enough ways to say I told you so.” Commented James Dobson of Focus on the Family who has long warned of the dire consequences of gay marriage. “They opened up that Golden Gate and Satan said 'California here I come!'.”

Bradley explained that Satan actually officiated the wedding, “which was awesome for us because he was really in demand!”

“Though I’m not sure what he was thinking with that Argyle sweater vest, but whatever.” added Stephen.

When asked about reports of non-sinners being cast into the abyss along with the God-forsaken sodomites, Dobson replied “If Katrina and the AIDS epidemic taught us anything it is that God’s wrath is a blunt instrument. Don’t stand near gays next time.”

As for Stephen and Bradley, what of their special day? “It was absolutely glamorous and wonderful up until the moment that God saw fit to rain down chastisement. But even though it didn’t turn out like we planned, it was definitely memorable!” observed Stephen. And for the honeymoon? According to Bradley “Believe it or not we had planned a trip to Hawaii Volcanoes National Park but after everything that has happened we’re thinking of changing to an Alaskan cruise.”

Satirists Decry Presidential Self-Satirizing

The Guild of American Satirists denounced President Bush this week for Self- Satire. “As you know, unemployment is soaring and we don’t need the President of all people, taking the jobs of honest hard-working satirists.” Said GAS spokesperson Joe Kisanyou.

At issue were statements made by the President on his recent European Tour. “He actually claimed he wanted to ‘leave a legacy of diplomacy.’" Kisanyou reported angrily. "He was concerned that people think he is, as he put it, 'a guy really anxious for war.' Bush said, and I quote, 'I think that in retrospect I could have used a different tone, a different rhetoric. Bring them on and dead or alive, might have indicated to people that I was, you know, not a man of peace. '"

“I ask you, what is a satirist going to do with that? Nothing, that’s what! There is absolutely no further any of us could go. Bush is doing it all himself and there is no work left for the professionals.” Kisanyou concluded.

Some, however, feel that satirists should accept some of the blame. “Bush has made our job so easy for the last 7 years and I think we got complacent. We didn’t notice the President slowly becoming completely unmoored from reality, with the result that now he has, in effect, become his own satirist and we are out of work.” Said GAS member I. Ron Ickley. “I honestly don’t think he knows he’s doing it but it is still very damaging to our profession.”

Lieberman Sews Self to McCain

Senator Joe Lieberman, long a zealous cheerleader for Republican presidential candidate John McCain, took his support to a new level this weekend when he sewed himself to McCain’s pants leg. “Senator McCain and I have worked closely in the past, but now we are really, really close.” reported a jubilant Lieberman.

Senator McCain took a few days to notice the change. “I realized that he was always there…even more than usual,” McCain admitted, chuckling, “I mean even when I go to the bathroom there he is!”

“I’m like his ‘mini-me’!” Senator Lieberman chimed in.

Later Senator McCain, in a more somber mood, indicated that he wasn’t sure that this would prove a prudent long-term campaign strategy. “It may become awkward when it comes time to pick a running mate,” he confessed, “who will, I’m afraid, need to be an actual Republican.”

“But John I just can’t quit you!” wailed Lieberman.

Candidates Agree: Iran Gonna Git Yo’ Mama

Presumtive presidential nominees for the Republican and Democratic parties John McCain and Barak Obama may not agree on much but the both say Iran “gonna git yo’ mama.”

Speaking on the campaign trail Wednesday McCain said “My friends, make no mistake, Iran gonna git yo’ mama.” And later that same day in a rally in Virginia Obama told the capacity crowd “Can Iran git yo” mama? I say, yes he can.”

President Bush agreed with both candidates. “You gotta understand, Iran gonna git yo’ mama. What I mean is…uh…in other words, Iran gonna git yo’ mama.”

UN IAEA director Muhammed ElBaradei expressed a different opinion claiming “There is no evidence that Iran gonna git yo’ mama.” This view was supported by the U.S. Nation Intelligence Estimate which reported “Iran has long-since given up its program to git yo’ mama.”

President Bush dismissed both ElBaradei and the NIE saying “That’s what they said about Iraq and who was right!”

Bush Lays Golf Clubs at Tomb of the Unknowns

ARLINGTON, Va -- In a public ceremony in observance of Memorial Day, President Bush laid his golf clubs on the on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at Arlington National Cemetery.

“On this memorial day I stand before you as commander-in-chief to make this empty gesture. Our young men and women in uniform gave up their lives, their limbs, their sanity and even their basic humanity when their commander-in-chief…that’s me by the way…asked them to. I want these soldiers and their families to know that they are not alone in their sacrifice. ‘Cause I like golf a lot. But I am not playing it anymore because that would be bad since I am the commander-in-chief and there is a war right now. Plus I got a bum knee.” Bush told the crowd of military families who were remarkably unoffended.

Using the sacrifices of our soldiers as a back drop, the president took the opportunity to scold the country into ensuring that the next year will bring the dead and wounded even more company in their misery. “We must fight on…by “we” I of course mean “they”…until I’m not commander-in-chief no more and none of this mess can be blamed on me.”

Bush then asked all Americans to join him in their own empty gesture by observing a moment of silence while placing a flag sticker on their SUVs. “It is the least we can do. I mean, it's practically doing nothing, which I'm OK with,” observed a young Republican MBA student who said he was there to show support for the President and the troops. When questioned if he plans to serve in the military after graduation he replied “Do I look like I am insane?”