Cheney to Return to Crypt

WASHINGTON – Sources close to Dick Cheney say the Vice President is spending his last week in office preparing for his return to the crypt. Aides are working around the clock hurling official documents into a fissure that has conveniently appeared in the vice-presidential office and opens into the fiery depths of hell. Sources say Cheney plans to leave Washington in the dark of night on January 19 and entomb himself at an undisclosed location where he will subsist on infant blood and raw hatred for the next one hundred years, at which time he will emerge to walk the earth again in human form just in time for the 2108 presidential election.

Congressional Democrats have declined to use their one last opportunity to free future generations from the scourge of the living corpse with a silver bullet to the heart saying that it will only distract from moving the country forward at this critical time. For his part, Cheney has refused to comment to the press on his plans to rejoin the undead saying only “Go fuck yourselves.”